The Wood Economy:
Imagine a World That Runs on Wood

Before that newfangled industrial revolution, wood was a very useful commodity. It could be shaped into anything, pieced together into tools and furniture (think Ikea, but before Ikea), burned for firewood, and sometimes even eaten.

Imagine a harsh, almost foodless winter in Soviet Russia, where you might have to decide between freezing to death overnight or burning your own toilet, which is conveniently made out of wood. (You already know what the right choice is: Burn, toilet, burn!)

Yes, a toilet made of wood. The kind that Tzars used to sit on. And you can just burn it for firewood if you need to. How rich is that!

Now some other advantages of the wood besides heating are health and finance. Health, because chopping down and moving all that wood isn't work that does itself. You can't just push a button and make trees fall down in the right places and then move them out by the strength of their own woodiness. No, you would have boys and men with axes chopping trees down, and saw teams (or a nearby water-powered sawmill) to saw the trees into manageable portions.
Even to this day, lumberjacks can easily earn a 6-figure salary. They just use more chainsaws and ropes w/ pulleys than axes. Which is unfortunate, because axe-only lumberjacks are often built like bodybuilders or bouncers. Is this not an ideal, that all men should be strong?

Cutting down and removing dead trees is not only healthy and lucrative, but also necessary in certain places to prevent costly unmanageable forest fires. Removing the dead wood helps the new plants and trees to grow, and also reduces fire risk. Unfortunately, some places (California) are too stupid and inefficient to realize that all the free money in the form of dead wood has that secondary safety benefit too.

Hereby I propose the following: That instead of being sent to school, boys will be sent with axes (chainsaws come after 8th grade) in teams to the woods to chop down wood. A school instructor will be sent with them also, to help them see how annoying school is. Nevertheless, all the letters of the alphabet can be learned by swinging an axe at a wood round, which can display any mathematical equation, besides.
Moreover, that all electrical technology be left in the cities as humanity goes to where they were really meant to live — the woods.
Finally, if there is any foreign inference, we may simply send some lumberjacks overseas to destroy their servers. Supercomputers are no match for angry men with axes!

I hope that my proposition of a utopia is most pleasing to the powers that be. (If not, then may they cast all their wood onto the street in protest!)

And so far as heating goes, may I recommend a good masonry stove, or perhaps a rocket mass heater?